My mother is the main source of my anxiety.
I went almost two full weeks without a panic attack, mostly because my mom and sister went out of town last weekend, and my mom works crazy hours so I never see her. On Friday that all went out the window. I didn’t get out of bed yesterday, meaning I didn’t practice, or do anything productive. When I have to walk down the hall past someone who is laughing at my dreams and thinks I’m wasting my time, what’s the point really?
She makes it really clear who she favors. After my sister slammed my hand in a door a few months ago (on purpose. She locked the door and ran away after), my mom wouldn’t speak to me for two weeks, because I called her out on it, and wanted an apology (that I never got)
I just want to badly to play to the best of my ability, get into grad school, and LEAVE. When I’m around her, that dream seems so out of reach, and I just end up trying to come to terms that this will NEVER happen. How can it? It must be….other people do this every year.
I feel like I have no support at all. Jeff is leaving in two weeks and he is my biggest support ever. His mom is basically my mom, being that she cares and actually believes in me (she plays clarinet too, and we play together in a lot of groups together). Every time I talk myself into thinking I can do this by myself I’m simultaneously fighting the thoughts that no, I can’t. I don’t know what to do.
I honestly envy anyone with even remotely supportive families…
I’m so tired of feeling like what I love doing is being laughed at by my family behind my back. I just need to keep reminding myself that I need to keep my head down, work, and make it to February, then it will all be worth it.
But it’s lonely when no one else around you gets it.